AN EXAMPLE OF A PARENT FIRST USING THE USUAL 12 ROADBLOCKS TO COMMUNICATION AND THEN ACTIVE LISTENING
“Active Listening is a method of influencing children to find their own solutions to their own problems. Most parents, however, are tempted to take over ownership of their children’s problems, as in the following case:
ANTHONY: Matteo won’t play with me today. He won’t ever do what I want to do.
MOTHER: Well, why don’t you offer to do what he wants to do? You’ve got to learn to get along with your friends. [ADVISING, MORALIZING.]
ANTHONY: I don’t like to do things he wants to do and besides I don’t want to get along with him!
MOTHER: Well, go find someone else to play with then if you’re going to be a brat. [OFFERING A SOLUTION; NAME-CALLING.]
ANTHONY: He’s the brat, not me. And there isn’t anyone else to play with.
MOTHER: You’re just upset because you’re tired. You’ll feel better about this tomorrow. [INTERPRETING, REASSURING.]”
ANTHONY: I’m not tired, and I won’t feel different tomorrow. You don’t understand how much I hate him.
MOTHER: Now stop talking like that! If I ever hear you talk about one of your friends like that again, you’ll be sorry . . . [ORDERING, THREATENING.]
ANTHONY: (walking away and sulking): I hate this place. I wish we would move.
Here is how the parent can help the same boy with Active Listening:
ANTHONY: Matteo won’t play with me today. He won’t ever do what I want to do.
MOTHER: You’re kinda angry with Matteo. [ACTIVE LISTENING.]
ANTHONY: Yeah. I never want to play with him again. He’s not my friend anymore.
MOTHER: You’re so angry you feel like never seeing him again. [ACTIVE LISTENING.]
ANTHONY: That’s right. But if he’s not my friend, I won’t have anyone to play with then.
MOTHER: You would hate to be left with no one. [ACTIVE LISTENING.]
ANTHONY: Yeah. I guess I just have to get along with him somehow. But it’s hard for me to stop getting mad at him.
MOTHER: You want to get along better but it’s hard for you to keep from getting mad at Matteo. [ACTIVE LISTENING.]
ANTHONY: I never used to—but that’s when he always did what I wanted to do. He won’t let me boss him anymore.
MOTHER: Matteo doesn’t always go along with what you want anymore. [ACTIVE LISTENING.]
ANTHONY: No . . . He’s not such a baby now. He’s more fun though.
MOTHER: You really like him better this way. [ACTIVE LISTENING.]
ANTHONY: Yeah. But it’s hard to stop bossing him—I’m so used to it. Maybe we wouldn’t fight so much if I let him have his way once in a while. Think that would work?
MOTHER: You’re thinking that if you might give in occasionally, it might help. [ACTIVE LISTENING.]
ANTHONY: Yeah . . . maybe it would. I’ll try it.
Excerpt From: Thomas Gordon “Parent Effectiveness Training”